Suppression

Posted: September 16, 2008 in Deep Thoughts, Fighting, Mental health, SCA
Watch out, ladies and gentlemen…  I’ve combined my angst with metacognition, so this might get ugly!  I’ll talk about Crown Tournament when I get this out of my head.  Just be patient.

Pressure makes diamonds.  It’s an expression that I’ve grown quite fond of.  Just today, I kicked the ass of 3 quizzes, a test, and a paper that I wasn’t feeling too ready for last night.  I can even use artificial pressure to get some pretty outstanding results.  When I feel like things are bad enough, it’s like lightning arcs in my brain and all the various aspects of me are supercharged.  Lately though, there is something wrong.  I can feel it.

This weekend, I fought in the kingdom Warlord tournament.  I didn’t really expect to win, given the mostly-greatweapons format.  That is a glaring weakness in my fighting prowess, but I digress.  I made a series of foolish mistakes, and my hand protection was ineffective at best, and so on and so forth.  I snapped.  It isn’t often that Kelsus leaks a tear of any kind, let alone on the field.  As I sat in the pavillion between rounds, I pondered.  When the ocular leakage finally stopped, I felt lighter and stronger again, and I went out and redeemed myself (to myself).

The long ride home gave me more time to think, and I think I’ve figured it out.  The Sturm und Drang of life continues to batter my mind.  Most of this pressure is shed as energy, but some of it is stored and doesn’t go anywhere.  I don’t release it at a later time because there isn’t really a break where I’m not dealing with more problems.  Eventually it gets to be more than I can contain and I do stupid shit like cry when someone hits me or lash out when people tease me about things I used to take in stride.

For whatever reason, I thought I was past all this internalizing crap.  Apparently I was wrong.  How am I gonna fix this?  I have no idea.  If my usual outlets aren’t enough, I’m gonna have a serious problem on my hands.

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Comments
  1. Deandra says:

    I can help you "fix this" if you’ll let me

  2. Roberta says:

    Mom is kinda really good at this sort of thing and I think she is the kind of person that you could talk to… I would love for it to be me but I get that it can’t!

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