Clever

Posted: March 12, 2009 in Fiction

I’m feeling pretty clever right now. I have a presentation tomorrow in Abnormal Psych, and I’ve decided that I’m hooking my laptop up to the school’s projector instead of fighting a losing battle with the school’s computer. Since I’ll be using my own computer, I’m going to use my wiimote to advance my Powerpoint slides. Hey, power not used is not power, right? Anyway, I’ve had the creative juices flowing for a bit now, and I finally have a second to indulge them. By this I mean that I am getting progressively less productive as stories build up in my head and for the sake of homework I must do something.

Enjoy.

Every time he gets out of the shower, he expects it to be misty like it is on TV. Every time, it isn’t. As he towels off, the cold air leaking under the door assaults his toes. Stupid basement, he thinks. No one else is home so there is no reason for modesty; he wanders from the bathroom to his bedroom and sits cross-legged on his bed in the nude. After a few minutes, his thousand-yard stare shortens to a few feet in front of him on the bed. There is a gun on the bed with him, its matte black finish offending the white sheets with its stark contrast. He knows very little about guns, but he knows enough about this one. He knows how to turn the safety on and off. He knows how to aim and reload. He knows this particular gun has a fourteen round magazine. He sits nude with his hands on his knees and stares at the gun and his mind wanders.

She stood almost as tall as Adrian, but it was the heels that did it. She always wore shoes that made her miserable after a bit, but he didn’t make fun. She was too stunning for him to be callous. She looked over at him and mouthed something about how her feet hurt. Adrian gave a look of sympathy and told her to take them off, no one would mind. Yeah, right, she whispers. He smiled to himself. Even after all this time, her impossibly green eyes could hold him transfixed in spite of his wandering mind. He forced his attention back to the front of the hall. Two of his friends were getting married, and it’d be rude of him to miss it. They looked happy together, and he couldn’t begrudge them that anymore. Having the woman he loved at his side made sure of that. The officiator was saying something about sickness and health, but Adrian was distracted by the feel of her hand in his. It was as though electricity poured through that simple connection, lighting his world. He thought for a second – he would invent some reason for them to duck out early. Maybe they could go to the beach. Not only would it be fun, but she’d pretty much have to take off the shoes. He continued to stare ahead, but she leaned over and whispered in his ear, “I love y—”

The phone is ringing, dragging him out of his mind and back into the dank basement. He scowls at the tiny plastic device. Once again, it isn’t someone he wants to talk to. It never is anymore. The ten-second clipping of a song he’s long since tired of finally stops. His eyes find their way back to the gun.

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Comments
  1. Sabrina says:

    you place things well as then come into the story. I like your descriptions of things and the narration of his thoughts. I also like that this story suggests a long history but it it were to be realtime..the story would have actually taken place in only a minute or two. I think the "history at in glimpse."There are a few things I would suggest thinking about. You do a nice job of describing the things the man thinks or feels or sees. However, I don’t get a clear idea of the space the character moves through. Its an interesting tension because it also is a reflection of the character "not seeing" the everyday space around him. It works for character development and style, however, it leaves the reader without enough information about the space and asking too many questions about the author’s word choice. The bit about nobody else being home….bathroom to the bedroom…. a bed in a bed room…. they are pretty basic details that don’t indicate anything’s spacial relationship. You’ll just have to decide how much energy you want the reader to use to fill in the missing information. Some readers will relish in the flexibility you allow them, others are going to want something more concrete to imagine the world you are creating and staying true to the story you’ve written. I think its an interesting style and worth exploring more. -this idea of flexibility and intentional lack of defined space.

  2. Sabrina says:

    sorry for the spelling errors…I can’t find my glasses. 😦

  3. Alana says:

    I love reading flash fiction. It’s really interesting to see how people convey an idea in such a small space. I really hope you post some of your other writing!

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