Posted: May 6, 2009 in Mental health

My ex-fiancee emailed me the other day. I know this is one of those awkward personal things, but it’s my blog. Anyway, things ended in kind of a crappy way between us. The end was initially a “let’s be friends” deal, with her deciding she didn’t want to completely excise me from her life. She had done it with previous boyfriends, so it was a concern of mine. Later, we were having a conversation in which she grew angry that I suck at remembering details. I hadn’t suddenly started sucking. I had always been bad at details, and I couldn’t recall accurately the event she wanted to rehash. Things went downhill from there, and she said she didn’t think we should be friends anymore. Fair enough.

By the time this final (and very ugly, to my chagrin) conversation was done, she had deleted me from her social networking sites and all that jazz. I took down my pictures of her and untagged myself in photos. I wanted to remove reminders of her so that I wouldn’t beat my brains out staring at the reflection of her life without me. I know that avoidance isn’t the best coping mechanism, but it is the one that I know how to make work. Out of sight, out of mind. I got an email with instructions on what to do with her stuff and asking what to do with my stuff, and I thought that would be the end of it. Yes, I know, I’m trying not to be such a twit.

Weeks later: I miss you and I love you and I want you to take care of yourself. Goddamnit! I was doing so well at not dragging myself through that briar patch. And then what do I do? I fucking write her back: I miss you too. Apparently there isn’t enough sadness and anxiety in my life, so I go in search of more. She replies that she heard about some misfortune on my part and that she’s there to listen, even though she knows I won’t talk about it. Damn right, I’m not gonna talk to her about it. I would never believe that she cared anyway. I have enough trouble convincing myself that anyone else does, and most people haven’t iced me out.

  1. Roberta says:

    I love you. I do the same thing to get over and out! It sucks and I remember only wishing for the strength to not go back one more time… eventually I was granted that wish and I was able go on. You will get it too, I wish that for you all the time. But I love you so eventually it will happen for you too!

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