Still Here Waiting…

Posted: April 1, 2011 in Mental health

I know I was supposed to post more of Asher’s life last night. Instead, I got drunk and morose. So instead of fiction, we get Justin yelling at the internet because he doesn’t feel like there’s anyone he can talk to. Fun times. If I were you, I’d skip this one. It’s mostly me bitching about my abandonment issues.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Mom’s final, successful attempt to shuffle off the mortal coil. I miss her and I could really use her help these days. There’s too much for me to handle on my own, and although my friends are always trying to help me, I am not always able to accept that help.

An old friend of mine came to fighter practice last night. Actually, a lot of old friends go to that practice, but for the purpose of the story, we’ll ignore that. I wasn’t fighting because my shoulder was still trashed, so we had a little bit of time to talk. Most of it consisted of her playfully poking at me or somesuch, and me bobbing and weaving and trying to get away. She said to me, “You know I would never hurt you.”

Yeah. Right.

I told her, “I’ve heard that one before.” She continued to try to convince me that she wouldn’t, but the more she told me that I had nothing to fear from her, the less I was able to believe it. I guess I have issues. It gets so much worse than that though.

My first memory is of my dear ol’ Dad trying to explain to his two year old son over the phone why he won’t be coming home. Now that I’m a little older, I understand both of my parents a lot better, so I know they’re both to blame. Dad was leaving, and Mom used me as a weapon to make him feel worse about it. None are innocent.

Fast forward a ways: Mom’s in Lutheran Hospital’s psychiatric care facility. She tried to do herself in with muscle relaxers. It didn’t work; the police found her in time, and they got her stomach pumped. I went to see her, and she asked if I was okay. “I’m fine,” I told her. She’s my mom. She knew I wasn’t fine. I asked her the same question. She said she’d be alright. Apparently “alright” was code for “I’ve figured out how to finish what I started.” That was the last time I ever saw her. She hanged herself with her bed sheet two days later.

More fast forwarding. We get to the first relationship I’ve had that I thought could stand the test of time. We were engaged and everything. It was definitely an abusive relationship. I couldn’t figure out how to free myself from it, and asking others for help did me no good. Either I couldn’t take the advice, or I didn’t really want to hear it. No matter why, I hung on for dear life to this person whose only concern when I was in a car accident was whether it would cost her and her parents money. She eventually packed up and moved to another country. Not too long after, our relationship ended. We’d see each other whenever she came back, but finally and mercifully it died.

The last jump brings us to the present. I met a girl. I decided I was ready for one more battle scar. I knew she was moving away for a while, but I decided that she was worth the wait. She was so good to me. Impossibly good. I got impatient. I started the wheels turning to go after her. I was NOT going to be left behind again. But I was turned away.

So when someone tells me they’ll never hurt me, I don’t believe them anymore. “I’ll never hurt you” only means that they don’t plan on doing anything cruel in the next five minutes. People tell me they’re there for me. My mouth says “thank you” and my brain says “sure, until the wind changes direction.” I hate being this way, and it’s the only way I know how to be. I miss you, Mom. I could use your help about now.

  1. Sara M says:

    Oh hun, it breaks my heart to see one of my friends hurting so bad and not be able to help. I’ll just reiterate, if you need anything at all (and I mean anything) just ask…

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