Posted: July 10, 2011 in Work

The smoker’s patio always gets super crowded around 11pm. At about that time of the evening, the real smokers are all just burning down cigarettes and talking. The part-time smokers have had enough to drink that they act on their “I only smoke when I’m drinking” impulses. Both of these types of people drag their non-smoking friends with. The resulting throng can be difficult to maneuver through for the average person.

My secret advantage is that my shirt says SECURITY on it.

Just kidding. My real advantage is being loud and clear and only polite enough that I don’t anger anyone. “Excuse me, guys,” delivered in a way that suggests that resistance would be painful will part the crowd in such a way that you would think Moses himself was about to lead the Jews through the gap. Last night, a guy on the far side of the patio watched me do this. It apparently blew his mind. “That was fucking amazing!” he told me.

“Thanks. It’s the shirt.” I know full well that the shirt isn’t main reason that this trick works. Having the attitude that people do NOT want to be in my way and then delivering notice that I’m coming through does more than the label. People can ignore what my shirt says.

“Where do I get a shirt like that?”

That’s one of the more fun aspects of my job.


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