Posted: September 21, 2011 in Fiction, Humor

I was thinking about Portal, and…

What exactly are we testing in here?

We know that the stasis pods work. We know that the quantum tunneling device works. We know that the “Long fall boots” work. We know that every damn piece of equipment in this facility works. It’s all been used on me. So what are we testing?

Is it my cognitive or physical ability? I’ve solved so many puzzles that I dream in spatial relations and physics equations. I’ve taken so many bullets from all of those turrets. Hah, I’m a poet. I’ve been burned with lasers and had my fillings dissolved in the damn material emancipation grids. I’ve been covered in enough goo to make a second Gulf Spill. Wait. How do I know about that? Did that psycho computer tell me?

That damn computer. Keep testing, it says. She says. Hating a machine makes no sense, but this thing has a female voice. Much easier to make it personal that way. Maybe we’re testing how much I can hate that bitch. She really thought that cake would motivate me. Cake. Not freedom or fresh air or simply a place to sit that didn’t involve ‘Thermal Discouragement.’ I didn’t care about the cake. I didn’t care about that stupid box either. Relief that there is something that isn’t trying to kill me in here is different from affection.

As far as I can tell, I’m the last human alive in this place. Maybe that was an oversight and it’s really a prison for lunatic AI. Maybe all the so-called testing is another way of having the AI calculate the entirety of pi. That almost makes sense, given how many intelligence cores are lying around. She said the Companion cubes are sentient and numerous. Maybe she was slated to be installed in one too. That actually makes a lot of sense. Maybe I can figure out how to put that stupid AI core that woke her up again into a cube. And then into an incinerator.

Or maybe there is some sort of crazy robot uprising going on and they are studying me to figure out how to finally exterminate humanity. That wouldn’t make much sense. A nuclear weapon would do it, and if the robots were revolting humans would not have much of a defense. I think my favorite theory is the criminally insane AI one. Maybe I was a warden or something and she is enjoying watching me squirm. Enjoy it while you can, bitch. I will find you. I will send you back to the scrap heap where you belong. Maybe I would do it just because it was my job. Maybe I would do it to save humanity. I would definitely do it because you’re trying to kill me. Go ahead, keep calling me fat. Shutting your stupid mouth will just be icing on the cake.


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