Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

Desdemona was not happy.  She had played everything so carefully.  She had heeded PAM’s every warning, kept careful track of all of her assets, and burned oh so many resources with safe retreats.  It was all for nothing; everyone knew where she was and everyone had ordered the Professor to kill her.  On top of that, the Professor – a mechanized tornado of destruction – had hijacked her whole operation.  God fucking dammit.  It was like she suddenly didn’t matter.

Wait.  That wasn’t true.  If she didn’t matter, no one would care that she was alive and that clearly wasn’t the case.

Des took a long drink from the ancient wine bottle and leaned over the rail of the bell tower.  This would be her last breath of fresh air for a while, and she was determined to savor it.  She set the wine on the railing and pulled out a cigarette.  The one silver lining in all this was that the professor had gotten her some pre-war cigarettes.  There was a time when she’d have been concerned about the soft orange glow giving away her position, but the dual kill orders from two of the other big three players in the Commonwealth had made her fatalistic.  Besides, her executioner was busy setting up a scam of epic proportions.

She leaned on the railing, and blew a plume of smoke into the darkness.  Fuck it, she thought.  Yeah, they’d save a shitload more Gen 3 synths this way.  She did want that.  She started mulling over alternate names for the Synth Retention Bureau.  Synth Placement, maybe?  After all, the Professor wanted Desdemona to be the new head.

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Dear Cat,

I’m glad you’re worried about me. I’ve been pretty worried about me too. Thing is, I’m going to be okay. Let me explain…

Normally I know better than to let a girl be such a big part of my life. I’ve been burned enough to know that fire’s hot. This one – well, I could talk to her. Stuff I didn’t feel like I could share with anyone. That’s why I’ve been so broken. I could talk to her, and she basically brought me back to life when I had settled into a comfortable state of failure. I know I have to be responsible for my own happiness, but I had forgotten that I wasn’t happy.

As for being like Mom, you’re absolutely right; I do tend to focus on the negatives. The difference is that there are a few things I know I’m good at. I’m not good at taking a compliment, and I worry that I’m too cocky sometimes. I’m just trying to figure out a balance.

I’m not seeing a doctor or anything, but I shared the details that I know about Mom’s life toward the end. I make sure I get out of the house often even though I’m not employed yet, and I gave everyone I know a list of things to watch out for. I know people love me, even when I can’t accept it. I may not be able to ask for help very well, but I am letting people help me.

Thanks for worrying.

Love,
Justin

I know my posting has been kind of erratic lately.  Basically, you’ve all been watching me work through some pretty brutal stuff.  I’m not good at handling personal disasters like this, so if it got ugly or scary, I apologize.  I’m not going to claim that I’m in the clear just yet, but I will make it.  Sometimes I just need it to get dark so I can see that I’m surrounded by stars.